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June 14, 2005

He's in a snit because he's not an editor at the NYTimes and Harvard, somewhat inexplicably, has declined to add his brainpower to their establishment.

Apparently the intellectual vacuum between his ears (the one that decided the entire world and its works were unable to present him with anything "interesting" to study) hasn't occurred to him as a possible factor.

I'm picturing the academic world that this man and the rest of the lunatic right wing are struggling to create. Naturally, a few things will have to change to accommodate the rightwing's belief system.

In a first-grade math class:

Teacher: Okay, two plus two is four. (Disclaimer: This concept is supported by only a percentage of the population and does not take into account the beliefs of the Association For More Recognition of Negative Numbers, whose lawsuit to terminate the practice of assuming that a number is positive unless specifically designated as negative is currently before the Supreme Court.)

In a third-grade geography class:

Teacher: And that's the International Date Line. That's how it can be "today" in Kansas, but it's "tomorrow" in England. (Disclaimer: This concept is supported by only a percentage of the population and may be detrimental to the belief system of the Flat-Earth Society. Students choosing to skip this question on moral grounds on the final examination will not be penalized.)

In a sixth-grade history class:

Teacher: Now we've covered the causes of the Civil War. (Disclaimer: Please note that the dates, facts, results, and conduct of this war, also known as, "The War Between The States" are under dispute. Any answer a student chooses to give to this question on the final examination will be awarded 100%.) Extra credit will be given to students arguing that Abraham Lincoln should have been lynched.

In a ninth-grade biology class:

Teacher: I know a lot of things, but I'm not allowed to tell you any of them.

Did everyone bring their Game Boys? Good. Girls, do you all have the latest copy of the Wife and Mother series, Shopping for Bargains? Good. Boys? You each have your free copy of First Strike: North Vietnam, right? Excellent.

Please play quietly until the Xanax kicks in.

In a twelfth-grade English class:

Teacher: This semester we're beginning with short stories. The first one will be, Huckleberry Finn (revised, abridged, sanitized edition), the story of a boy's discovery of how wonderful life was in America in the 19th century.

After that, we'll tackle James Fenimore Cooper's, The Last of the Mohicans (revised, edited, condensed, rewritten), the tragic tale of America's savage Indian population that destroyed itself with inter-tribe warfare in spite of the enlightened assistance offered by the first Americans.

We'll follow those with Herman Melville's Moby Dick (fixed up, shortened, content may have shifted in transition), the inspiring novella about a group of brave Americans who pitted themselves against the elements to bring the bounty of the seas to our country's early settlers.

We'll finish up the semester with Fellowship of the Rings (we just swiped the title, okay?), the moving novel that details our country's journey toward heterosexuality, monogamy, and matrimony for all.

In a college-level physics class:

Teacher: So, in summation, there may or may not be particles that we may or may not be looking at and which may or may not be changed by the fact that we're looking at them.

Alternatively, it could all just be a big old trick that God is playing on us to see how gullible we are.

(Teacher has an aneurism and dies. Students sue university for mental stress and are awarded degrees, graduate with honors, and receive cash settlements enabling them to purchase and retire to the godly tropical warmth of the island of their choice. USofA quickly slips to third-world status and spends the next century begging developing African countries for handouts.)

Posted by AnneZook at 02:08 PM


Yeah, that's what we're afraid of. And I'm honestly not sure how we prevent it, but I'm not giving up yet.

Posted by: Jonathan Dresner at June 15, 2005 05:03 AM


Very funny--and, at the same time, scary--stuff. Nicely written and nicely argued.

Posted by: Dr. Fallon at June 15, 2005 05:56 AM

Thank you.

Posted by: Anne at June 15, 2005 11:58 AM