Warning: include(/home/annezook/public_html/sidebar.php) [function.include]: failed to open stream: Permission denied in /home/annezook/public_html/archives/002409.php on line 106

Warning: include() [function.include]: Failed opening '/home/annezook/public_html/sidebar.php' for inclusion (include_path='.:/usr/lib/php:/usr/local/lib/php') in /home/annezook/public_html/archives/002409.php on line 106
November 07, 2005
Statistical Hit Parade

I'm hopelessly behind on my blog reading so I'm not thinking about it at the moment. Let's check out the old stats program.

Yes, dear readers, it's time for that whenever-I-think-about-it feature of the blog where I make fun of everyone who wound up here by searching for something improbable (or pornographic) on-line. It amuses no one but me, but I'm at peace with that.

Also, I know that most people save their silly/pointless/off-topic posts until Friday. Since I'm a Lady of Leisure now, every day is Friday. (Well, sort of. But I'm part-time employed, so I have time on my hands. Time that, today, I spent doing chores and cleaning house, which explains why I have no idea what's going on in the world. I could have read a lot of news in the time it will take to write this post, but the mood is not upon me.)

First...a moment for celebration. I seem to have finally shut down about 90% of the sp*m referrals to the blog, at least until the sp*mm*rs break out into a new pattern. It's a pleasure to log into the old stats program and not find the first 50 referrers are sp*m-related. I'm assuming that last month's record-breaking traffic numbers are related to those sp*mm*ers I didn't get shut down until the end of the month.

And now...on to the mockery.

First, I certainly hadn't anticipated being asked, "does an error count against batting average" and I'm afraid I'm not prepared with a response. I'm guessing...no?

One hit came from, "create a Zook." I'm only familiar with the old-fashioned method and I'm guessing that's not what's required here.

Another poor soul wanted the, "dnc s list of priority issues." If you find out, let the rest of us know, okay?

But I can answer this one. "Exclamation points journalism" Real journalists! Don't! Use exclamation points!

What I can't answer is why my brief discussion of this book consistently gets dozens and dozens of hits every month.

As far as "motivations for homophobia" go, I don't know. I'm, guessing fear, repression, and political opportunism.

"I make 44k a year. how much will a child save me on taxes" Not a tenth as much as it will cost you.

One inquiring mind sought information on "the worst misconduct in government during the gilded age." I'm no expert, but I'd imagine choosing the #1 in that list would be tough.

"Fast food cause disses." Does it? I mean, I might diss you, because I've more or less given it up, but is this really a wide-spread problem?

Someone wanted to know, "how Ben Franklin was disgraceful." I guess that depends upon your perspective, but I really haven't spent a lot of time contemplating the issue.

To the person searching for information on "how to make crystal methane drug" please believe me when I say you don't want to know. Seriously...chocolate is a lot less complicated.

And to the person searching for "mouth of sauon" it's "Sauron" and it comes in the Lord of the Rings trilogy, which you really should have read by now. I'm going to do you the favor of deciding it was a simple typo and you're not actually that ignorant.

Someone needs to know "how to use peevish in a sentence." Now I do feel peevish.

"What does bastille day commemorate?" This is me...beating my dead against the desk....

I have no information on "the importance of hummus." Sorry.

To the person who asked, "should i take a lunch break?" My answer is, "are you hungry?"

"Why do we buy something just because it belongs/ belonged to a famous person?" That one's always been a mystery to me, as well. I once bumped into a celebrity at a convention and she naturally assumed my friend and I would like her autograph. We accepted graciously, of course, but I, for one, tossed it out as soon as I got home. If I like someone, I don't need their name written on a piece of paper to remind me of that fact.

I once used "for every drop of rain that falls" as a post title. I rather regret that now, as I'm sure the many searchers after knowledge on that phrase do as well.

I continue to be absolutely appalled by the number of lazy slobs looking for Cliff's Notes on books. Read the books.

To the person looking for a "research paper on the best democracy money can buy" I hope you flunk. (I get so many hits around the books I've discussed that I''m tempted to take those posts down. I just know some lazy slacker is pulling stuff to use in a school assignment.)

"map federalist antifederalist" Okay, you understand this is a political position, not a geographic one?

I got a ton of "federalist antifederalist" hits last month. I'm happy to see the renewed interest in the foundations of our Constitution.

"What i can do to stop voting in parliament" Stop running for office? Call in sick? Hide in the bathroom?

"What is at the center of every rain drop" Oh! I know that one! Water.

To the person who typed, "ultimately saddam hussein is going to make a mistake that plays into our hands," I think it's time someone mentioned to you that he's been captured. Pick up a newspaper occasionally.

"Dirty tee shirt saying !" It's the exclamation point that really makes that one work.

"National Stress Awareness Day" If there was one, I missed it. I was probably too busy to notice.

"political party demographics church goers" I think that depends. Are you asking about people who actually go to church regularly (i.e., a dozen or more times a year) or those people who claim to be "regular church goers" but who show up only two or three times a year, if that?

You can learn a lot online. For instance, I didn't know, Wisconsin is "the devil s playground," did you? And while I know I'm occasionally rude about Texas, I'm fairly certain I never referred to it as the "spawn of Satan."

And I didn't know men got "pec implants" much less that there were "dangers." (Or, maybe I did. Now that I think about it, I have a vague memory of having read something about that.) Cosmetic surgery? Such a bad idea, unless you're fixing some kind of birth defect or accidental damage. Surgery is dangerous and it's not less dangerous just because your surgery is elective.

"Men are attractive." I knew that one. Known it for years, actually.

I got a ton of hits from people who don't understand the "feeling lucky" button on Google. For reference, you don't have to type the words, "I'm feeling luck" into the little box, people. That's why there's a button.

"why does failure and i m feeling lucky give george bush" It's called a Googlebomb.

"Rosa Parks who was the white man" I got a lot of search phrases similar to this one. Looks like I wasn't the only one wondering.

"How do lemmings move" I dunno. Maybe they rent a truck?

I'm not able to provide anyone with a "laser tag franchise." On principle I disapprove of "games" that are organized imitations of wholesale slaughter of other human beings. If you want adventure, climb a mountain.

There's something a bit surreal about, "house appropriations minutes virtual reality paint." Not that I doubt that our highly efficient and caring government spent time on such a critical topic.

Lots of s*xual searches, but that's not unusual. For instance, someone was looking to find "blogs men und*w*r." (If your und*w*r is blogging, you really need to do your laundry more often.) (If someone is specifically blogging men's und*w*r....well, whatever. It's better than the guy who posted TMI about his smell, I guess.)

Those interested in "politics and p*rn" should check with the Republican Party. They're the ones obsessed.

Someone else is also searching for "male ch**s*cak* So odd. I'm sure I never blogged anything that would lead these kinds of searches here. (Okay. Fine. Go here.)

Regretfully, I have not posted any "Victorian erotica" but if there's a crying need, I could make an attempt. Not a good attempt and I wouldn't actually, but I find the search interesting enough that I'm almost tempted to try it myself to see what results.

If John Bolton has been having group s*x, I really don't want to know about it. You people make me tired.

"Just do that little thing for me and I'll always be by your side" Yeah. I've heard that one before.

Posted by AnneZook at 03:11 PM


"Someone wanted to know, "how Ben Franklin was disgraceful." "

Enraging. Of all the Founding Fathers he is the most noble and the most deserving of our unqaulified adoration. He has no stain on his record such as owning slaves. Rather, starting when he was a teenager, he was a life-long opponent of slavery. He was, world-wide, among the most respected, if not the most respected, people in the world. He was considered the truest and wisest American representative of the Enlightenment. Late in life he was walking down a street in Paris and ran into Voltaire, also quite old, and just recently allowed to return France after his long exile. It was the first meeting of these two famous Enlightenment writers, and the crowds drew back in amazement as if it was a meeting of gods.

I can not think of any other American, ever, who on the one hand fought for all that was and is best in the American liberal progressive tradition yet, on the other hand, had such a keen understanding of the practical realities of pushing forward real political change.

He did write some saucy satires, but who the hell cares? Only the most fanatical puritan would consider these true stains on his record. Then again, there are those who think receiving a blow job is a far worse crime than lying about weapons of mass destruction, so perhaps some people really do find Franklin disgraceful.

To my mind, he is an icon of everything that is good in America.

Posted by: Lawrence Krubner at November 8, 2005 12:43 PM

I always assume those kinds of hits are some junior high school kid, writing a report and not really clear about his subject.

Posted by: Anne at November 9, 2005 09:59 AM

"maybe they use a truck..." *snicker*

Posted by: Elayne Riggs at November 11, 2005 07:07 PM