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May 18, 2006
I Love Headlines

Bush Heads to Border Smuggling Hotspot. You think he's looking for cheap weed, or mescal?

Speaking of looking.... FBI Chases 'Best Lead' In Hoffa Search Tax dollars well-sent.

100+ Feared Dead in Afghanistan Taliban Battles. We are winning the War On Terror Terrorists Terrorism Extremist Islam Them!

Bush Slumps to a New Low -- It's All About Iraq But.... .winning! Aren't you listening?

Robertson: God May Forecast U.S. Tsunami. I don't know what to say about that one. I mean, I didn't know God made forecasts. I guess all we can really hope for is that he wants to take Pat home.

Cholera Outbreak Sickens 35,000; No End in Sight. Which, for some reason, reminds me that I read that they found a bubonic plague outbreak in Utah just the other day. (Seriously, Big Guy. No need for all this melodrama. You want Pat, you can have him.)

Whoosh! And that was just ABC's site.

Is Bush a Lunatic? I'm just saying. Y'all could have saved a lot of time, energy, and brainpower over the last five years if you'd just asked me.

Doubts over Iran nuclear capacity Hey, Real Men don't have doubts. They have DU, and sekrit boyfriends on the side.


But most of my brain is obsessed with an entirely different topic.

The Freedom Fence that's going to liberate us from a substantial portion of our manual labor workforce, thrus freeing us from the burden of clean hotel rooms and sanitized restaurant dishes.

We'll be able to eat our food the way nature intended...by crawling to the nearest garden and gnawing on anything we can find. No more of that inconvenient going to a grocery store and standing in line to buy stuff. All our tomatoes will be vine-ripe because we won't have any of those annoying people taking them off the vine and putting them on trucks!

I understand that such D.C. favorites as...wait for it...Halliburton! Are in line for the contract. To build the Big Fence, I mean.

I'm announcing my first round of Blog Awards.

We'll* be giving the HAPPY O** to the person who comes up with the most appropriately Orwellian name for this structure.


* The committee consists of Me, Myself, and I. And maybe anyone else I decide to rope in. Or maybe just Me and I, because I and Myself aren't getting along so much at the moment.

** The Orwell book of your choice. What did you think I meant?***

*** It's entirely possible this idea is not original. But then it's also entirely possible that I'm yanking your chain.

Posted by AnneZook at 02:28 PM


"If I heard the Lord right....

Oh, how many religious wars might have been prevented if most revelations were prefaced thus....

I'm confused, though. Most of the time, when God sends "warnings" they come along with "do this, or else" conditionals.... What's the point of foregone conclusions?

Posted by: Ahistoricality at May 18, 2006 02:46 PM

Well, at least the fence will come in within budget: the workforce will already be there.

Posted by: Bryan at May 18, 2006 09:42 PM

Anne: I'm not sure we can improve on "Freedom Fence," to be honest. "Criminal Element Deterrent Structure" just doesn't have the same ring....

Bryan: when was the last time Halliburton came in under budget on anything?

Posted by: Jonathan Dresner at May 19, 2006 05:57 PM

I didn't realize that I misformatted that...

Anne: I actually don't think we can improve on "Freedom Fence"...

Posted by: Jonathan Dresner at May 23, 2006 07:10 PM

Well, I'm a bit disappointed in y'all then. :) I was just sure you'd come up with something twice as scathing.

I can fix the formatting for you if it bothers you.

Posted by: Anne at May 24, 2006 09:49 AM

Thanks, um.... OK, I'll try. But "Freedom Fence" is really, really good.

"Distraction Infrastructure"
"NAFTA Filtration Device"
"Wage Differential Maintenance System"
"American Desert Delimiter"....

Posted by: Jonathan Dresner at May 25, 2006 08:14 PM

Oooo...I like NAFTA Filtration Device.

It's not, strictly speaking, Orwellian, but it's got that functional ambiguity that allows the gov'mint to commit heinous sinces under a beige cloak of bureaucracy.

Not that I'm saying our government does that...perhaps I've read too much SF recently. I may be mixing up the potential-possible with the actual.

Posted by: Anne at May 26, 2006 08:24 AM